Saturday, September 02, 2017

My writing: I would rebel(30)



You know there are 5 stages of grief, it begins with denial and should end with acceptance. It is said that acceptance is the hardest part and sometimes people don't achieve it.
Last days had been an incredible mess and let out lots of feelings, pain and helplessness. So I've been through denial , than it was time for anger.
Now I would rebel against a body that is too tired and exhausted to listen to me and my desire to travel as  it was planned.
I would rebel against the headaches and dizziness and lack of energy that didn't leave me raise from bed this week. 
I would rebel against all of these because it makes me unhappy and forces me to stop my travelling plans I've so waited for all the summer.
I wish there was an instant fix to all these medical problems, without having to wait for weeks for an improvement.
I would rebel against having autoimmune Graves and all the changes I've experienced since last November. 
I would scream or break something if that would help, but I'm sure it won't make a difference.
I would rebel against so many things that are unfair in this crazy world if only it would help!



Thursday, April 20, 2017

3 ani



17 martie 2017

3 ani....de dor

Ai crede ca deja stiu cum este dupa 3 ani? Ca nimic nu ma mai poate surprinde, ca m-am obisnuit deja....

Ti-as raspunde ca nu stii cum este pana nu ti s-a intamplat si tie, caci acesta este adevarul, chiar daca poate parea dur.

Nu te obisnuiesti,doar inveti sa supravietuiesti cu toate ranile pe care le ai, care te dor, cu greutatea amintirilor, cu regretele.
Sunt 3 ani de cand nu te-am vazut, auzit, imbratisat. Uneori te revad in vise si-mi vorbesti. 
Alteori cate o amintire razleata mai deschide o rana si-mi doresc sa fii inca aici .
Nimic nu poate inlocui un om pe care l-ai pierdut. 
Cineva imi spunea ca vrea sa-si invete copii sa traiasca fericiti dupa ce nu va mai fi langa ei. As fi ras, dar n-ar fi inteles.... Cum sa-i inveti asta? 
Fiecare legatura este unica, nu o inlocuiesti cu altceva cand cineva moare.
Eu in schimb mi-as invata copii sa iubeasca, sa fie intelegatori, sa aleaga ceea ce-si doresc.

Mi-e dor de tine in fiecare zi si e normal. Inca n-am gasit drumul, merg pe carari intortocheate, ma impiedic, ma ridic si sper ca sunt mai aproape.
Luni au fost 3 ani fara tine, a fost frig si a plouat ca in ziua in care ai plecat. Singura diferenta era ca acum nu mai eram amortita, ci am simtit durerea din plin. 
Mi-am dat seama inca o data ca suntem singuri....







Thursday, February 23, 2017

My writing: Scars(29)


We all have scars, have been hurt and hurt other people.
I know my scars so well, because I've always tried to hide them. And I built walls for that, walls that you need patience and courage to climb. I still have those...
I have been hurt a lot during many years and that left me with some painful scars. For this reason I trust people hard and keep them at a certain distance, so that they can't hurt me again.
But somehow you came closer and I let you and trusted you. 
I was so disappointed when my expectations didn't meet reality, but after many hours of thinking, I know you did the best you could.
Maybe your best was not the result I wanted and there is nobody to blame for that. We are all different, want different things, have expectations, make mistakes and we move on.
There are moments when I miss you,when I would climb all the walls you built and hug you, just to know you are ok.
I have seen you hurt badly twice and I felt your pain. I wish I had never hurt you, or that you didn't  hurt me so many times, but I can't change the facts.
All I know is that I can no more stay where it hurts.... 



Thursday, February 09, 2017

My writing :Mi-e dor (28)


Cand sunt trista mi-e dor de oameni,de locuri,de tot ce era frumos.

Azi mi-e dor de strazile din Bucuresti pe care obisnuiam sa ma plimb . Mi-e dor de Cismigiu si de Romana, mi-e asa dor de orasul pe care l-am simtit "acasa "de prima data.

Mi-e dor de perioada aia in care totul parea mai usor, in care desi aveam intrebari stiam ca totul se va rezolva.

Mi-e dor de o zi de primavara, de o mica descoperire care sa-mi placa, de o cafea pe care sa o beau cu o prietena.

Mi-e dor si de-o dimineata de vara in care miroase a iarba proaspata si soarele incalzeste, iar eu ascult Raphael in casti...

Mi-e dor sa alerg sa ajung la un curs de chineza , sa incep dimineata cu un film la Patria, Scala sau Studio.

Mi-e dor de libertatea de atunci, mi-e dor sa pot sa o sun pe mama si sa vorbim ore intregi.

Mi-e dor sa ma duc la cursul preferat si sa-mi zic ca intr-o zi voi face si eu asta.

Mi-e dor de toate astea si multe altele si-mi par atat de departe, incat parca le-am trait in alta viata...

Poate mi-e dor de mine.






Sunday, January 29, 2017

My writing:Kids (27)



I'm looking again for simple answers to difficult questions...
What if all your dreams come true? What if?
I've tried to figure it out where should I go. There's a part of me that wants to remain to continue and the other that wants to go for a change.
At this moment there is a battle between these two parts. An answer here would be good.
I've always been a perfectionist, a part of me still is... But what if I've done all I could and the result is less than I expected?
It happened this Friday to be feel so exhausted and sad because I hoped and worked for a different result. Somehow a kind gesture from a shy kid changed all I thought I already knew....
Sometimes an embrace is all you need after some hard days, someone to tell you it's worth it. 
I spent some time thinking how to make things better, all I know is that I have to continue being there, showing those kids someone cares for them and hopefully they will begin to believe in themselves too.
It's hard to get closer to kids who had suffered before, who came from families with problems, who can't even name their emotions. 
The first step to solve something that bothers you is to name it... For some of them what they used to live is normality.
What I found out is that they crave affection and attention and maybe that's the starting point with them...
Being a perfectionist means I will try many times before calling it a quit. 
Hopefully in time little wonders will happen and the time we spend together will make them better.




Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Lion (2016) such a delight


I saw the movie today, without having any expectation,but knowing from people who had seen it that it was going to be touching.
My surprise was to read after seeing it that it received 6 Oscar nominations for: Best Picture, Best Supporting Actor(Patel), Best Supporting Actress(Kidman), Best Adapted Screenplay.
I really wish it gets all the prizes it deserves, I can't find it any flaw or thing I didn't like.
It is based on the book A long way home by Saroo Brierley and it tells the story of a little boy from a poor Indian village. 
The little boy, Saroo, follows his brother Gudduu to work , they arrive at a train station and Saroo gets lost. He travels 1600 km by train , arrives in Calcutta, nobody helps him, is about to be sold, but escapes.
He is taken to the police by a man and then sent to an orphanage. A family from Australia decides to adopt him and his miserable life changes.
The same family adopts another indian boy an year later, Mantosh,but he doesn't adapt as well as Saroo.
20 year later, Saroo goes to Melbourne to study hotel management and he meets Lucy ( Rooney Mara).
He begins to think more about his childhood, his brother and mother, dreams about the places he used to see when was a kid and tries with Google Earth to find exactly where he came from.
After a painful search he discovered the place and decides to go and find his family. For me, it was very touching the moment when I meets his mother again and finds out his brother was killed by a train the same night when he was lost.
That was the moment when I start crying, it's symbolic the moment when you find your roots, because we all need them in order to know who we really are...
His mother never gave up to the idea that one day her son is going to come home,so she never moved.
In the end we found out that the boy's name was Sheru which means lion.
Dev Patel(Sarro) is incredibly good and expressive in this film. His presence seemed familiar, probably because I had seen him a couple of weeks ago in The Man who knew Infinity(the story of a mathematician), another movie I found very captivating.
The movie it's not easy, with great poverty , with an orphanage that seems unreal even for animals, kids who disappear and are sold for money.
On the same note saw yesterday Sold, a movie about a poor 13 years girl from Nepal who is sold to a pleasure house in India and forced to all kind of things...
The curly hair, the eyes, the drama , they all make me think it's been such a great role for Patel and this movie it's been a delight.




Sunday, January 22, 2017

My writing: Fake life(26)

Today I'm quiet. Actually I'm too hurt and don't feel like talking to anyone about anything.
I'm at that point when I'm trying to understand all that I heard from you during that argument.
It's like I don't believe it's true,but the pain in my chest and sleepless nights remind me...
I don't think anything will be able to repair the damage or change my mind...your ego was too big.
I don't need you to justify a thing,or hear any apologies,these are useless now.
I still have the bitter taste of those words so cruel that hurt me,one after the other.
I remember my tears and anger. The feeling of being useless and all those questions.
Too much damage for what?
Where are we now? 
We used to be friends and all we do is keep arguing and hurting one another.  
When you give your best and  you are continuously rejected I see no way one can do better.
I don't care if you realize this when you see me leaving....I won't stay where I'm not wanted.
I need my peace of mind back!
I have to make those dreams come true...
After all , I need someone to choose me every time under any circumstances....

Friday, January 13, 2017

My Writing: I don't want to lose anymore(25)



Baby, I feel like crying today. A 13th Friday and no good luck. Never thought it was going to be the day when I'm gonna lose it.
Maybe it's not only about that, it's all of the things that kept adding in the last months and today the glass was full.
You know I'm not good at good-byes, it's too painful. All I'd lost today reminds me of the most important people who aren't today with me. There will always be a connection between losing them and anything else I love.
It's not fair to keep losing when you've already lost more than you can handle. What for?
You don't need to be more powerful or be reminded what you've survived. It's something that you do every day, that's a hole you have with you wherever you go.
So baby,I didn't forget how it is to lose. I'm trying not to cry, but the tears come anyway and with them the pain I'd felt in that April day when I lost her.
I wish you didn't see me so vulnerable, but the feeling is more powerful and I know I have to express everything as it comes not hide it.
You can still stay with me so that I know I'm not alone. It means the world to me.
It's the best you can do for me, being there and let me cry over losing again something I'd loved.
I want to hide from this world for a little time, eating chocolate and you telling me jokes.
Maybe one day life will get tired of making me cry and I won't have to lose anymore something I love.



Monday, January 09, 2017

Blue Valentine & how I began to like Ryan Gosling



I've never been a fan of Ryan Gosling until I've seen Blue Valentine last Thursday. 
I've been the fan of the other Ryan, Reynolds, especially after last year's Dead pool, which was incredibly funny and sarcastic.
So coming back to Gosling , I saw La la land on December because it was a musical, but I had no expectations of it. And this was good, because i totally loved it and i began seeing Ryan in another light: a guy who can dance, sing and more express the feelings so well,not being another beautiful face in the cinema industry.
More, La la land has such a sad ending that left me thinking of the movie and Ryan's image at the piano for some days...
Then I saw The Notebook on 31st December, the movie everybody had seen except of me...
I think I heard of Blue Valentine years before, but never gave it a chance, tired of another Valentine's Day movie.
The truth is that the movie is everything,but not a Valentine's Day pink romantic movie. It's hard, blue, true, quite painful movie. And I liked it so much, that I saw it again on Friday night.
Ryan is just perfect for Dean's role, a guy who has many talents, paints and does other difficult jobs, loves his little girl and want to spend the time with his wife and daughter. What is curious it's that he has no other great ambitions or projects except of his family and is totally ok with this situation.
His wife,Cindy(Michelle Williams) is the opposite, she always wanted to be a doctor, even before having the baby and never gave up that thought that is consuming her.
Their story doesn't have the usual chronology: met, fall in love, married, kid.There is an interesting mixture of hard present and lovely past moments.
Maybe that's why it becomes quite painful to see their relationship falling apart, especially when Dean tries his best to keep things united.
Somehow he's the only one who tries and in the end you can't blame him at all. You can blame Cindy, but she's not guilty either, she wants other things and there's no love left for Dean as she says.
It's kind of cruel for Dean as he's the one who had accepted a child who wasn't even his, raised it and he has to go. 
There are many hard moments like  the night they spent in a hotel trying to save what's left, the moment from the hospital when Cindy is about to give up to her baby, their final argue.
But there are also some sunny , beautiful moments: the embraces, their song, the wedding with Cindy crying and Dean in a cheap blue costume.
The first thing that came to my mind after seeing it was: what's left when things are falling apart? 
What about having to give up at your best friend and not be able to embrace him?

Today , Ryan is the guy of the moment after winning his Golden Globe for the La la land performance. I'm so happy he did it and his speech for his wife was really touching and true.




Saturday, December 31, 2016

Bye 2016, hello 2017!



2016 has been a busy year with ups and downs, when I didn't write on blog as much as it happened.
It has been an year full of events worldwide and also professionally and personal. If you ask me what I remember of 2016 I would tell you that I remember working a lot, but I still have doubts if this is the direction I want to continue...I'll have to see
In between of working a lot and being very tired by the end of the year, I enjoyed some Byron concerts and finally got to see HURTS live at Summer Well in august.
I didn't write about Summer Well, but I really loved the experience, the place, the happy people and the concerts. I discovered there Milky Chance really good live, the Neighborhood - some kind of pop rock.
HURTS were really great and I sang and danced all the concert. My surprise were The Chemical Brothers, with a great concert, the best visuals I'd seen and a story built from a song to another. I couldn't stop dancing at their concert. Definitely a must see!
I don't know what they planned for 2017 ,but I might go again at Summer Well. 
What it's sure is that I'm going to see Depeche Mode in Cluj :) in july. And I also want a Placebo 20 years concert.
As for travels , I finally saw Balchik in June and it was so different that I imagined, but I liked it.
Then in October with a great cold I'd been in Berlin for 5 days and it managed to surprise me again. I saw the Wall that  I wanted to see for years and the Brandenburg gate. 
Potsdam was such a great experience with its lovely buildings, the park and San Soucci Palace. 
For 2017 I have some travelling ideas and I hope to be able to travel more , because that's when I really feel free and alive.
2016 was not such a good year for my health as I discovered the thyroid problem called Graves Disease and still try to get used to it.
I had also seen a lot of good movies and read many great books.
After all the ups and downs there are moments when I feel stronger and more zen and I hope to keep on with this feeling.
I want some changes for 2017:to be healthy and fit, to eat the right food as possible, exercise more, have positive experiences, love and travel.

Happy New Year!








Saturday, December 17, 2016

My writing:Blue December(24)


It's December again. That time of the year when everybody runs for shopping and presents like it's the end of the world.
And in this mess all I want is to have a book in front of me and a cup of coffee...
It's been a hard period since last month when I found out about Graves and begin the treatment with anti thyroid meds. 
It's been the denial and anger phase and the part when I have to stop exercising until my pulse goes under 80...
This week had been a mess, I haven't been well  for the first time I began the treatment: extremely tired, headaches. I wasn't in the mood for work or anything, all I wanted was more sleep. 
And the more I'd slept the tired I'd been... I also have that feeling that whatever I eat makes me gain weight.
I totally hate all these changes or this disease I understand so little, even if I'd read everything I could find.
I want not to be this tired and to exercise again like I used to.
I almost put into work an idea I had 4 years ago and I felt nothing of the joy I used to...
What's wrong?
The plans I had are hidden in a dark corner while I try my best to keep going.
So I'll have to go with baby steps and no plans.
I also keep missing you every day... I miss you the most!





Friday, December 02, 2016

10 ani Byron @ Club Hush


Cand si-au lansat albumul Eternal Return la Pitesti in martie, Byron au promis ca vor reveni pentru a sarbatori 10 ani de activitate.
Pitesti cred ca a fost ultima oprire pentru acest turneu, dar si locul unde au inceput acum 10 ani....
I-am vazut pentru prima data live in 2014 si de atunci nu ma mai satur... I-am vazut mai apoi la Hard Rock Cafe intr-o seara de mai, la un Impromtu la Clubul Taranului Roman la sfarsit de decembrie anul trecut si in toate concertele pe care le-au avut in Hush.
Aveam nevoie de niste clipe cu muzica lor in perioada asta!

Concertul a fost impartit in doua parti: prima dedicata lui Costin Oprea, cu piese de pe albumul Ups and Downs si apoi cateva melodii ale Luciei, care mi-a placut mult live.
A fost emotionanta aceasta parte, stiu cum este sa-ti fie dor de cineva care nu mai e.Un lucru minunat ca ne-au reamintit de Costin si muzica lui.
A doua parte a fost concertul mult asteptat, un mixt de piese de pe albumele din cei 10 ani care au trecut. Am ascultat : On the Road, Zeltgeist, Don't want to entertain you, Ochii tai, 1000 chipuri, Peace, Marea, Cu capul in nori, Peace of mind, The night,Perfect,etc.
Mi-au placut mult Tumo, pe care am auzit-o live pentru prima oara si Gone Fishing , care este preferata mea de pe Eternal Return.
Proiectiile video au fost interesante si perfect alese pentru fiecare piesa.


Personal am simtit lipsa unor piese din playlist : Loosing Control, City on Fire, Little by little, Cu sange rece sau It ain't gonna happen today...
Baietii au fost minunati ca de fiecare data, concertul s-a terminat undeva dupa 01:30, sincer mi-ar fi placut sa dureze mult,mult.
Starea de euforie si zen dupa concert m-a tinut cateva zile la rand.

Long live byron!


Thursday, November 24, 2016

My writing: One more crisis(23)



A crisis is unpredictable most of the time and it hits you suddenly without realizing what happened.
This year on my birthday I decided to take the annual blood tests and I had no idea of the surprise that was coming.
Apparently out of nowhere after other multiple tests I found out that I had an autoimmune thyroid problem , called Graves disease. It just hit it me, very hard.
I searched everything I could find about it: meds, ways to treat, diet,etc. What it scares me is that it's very tricky: the meds must be taken for max 2 years, then you have to see if it works and you don't have a relapse, because if you have one you have to either take the surgical approach or the radioactive iodine.
I was shocked, in denial and didn't understand where was the positive solution. I still can't see it now, all I know is that it's disease based on stress.
If I were to make a choice today I would choose the most practical approach, the radioactive iodine, it gets you to hypothyroidism and it's way easier to treat.
But I also have to consider having kids in the future and this makes harder to choose a decision.
After my mum died I didn't want to see doctors or hospitals for some time. Now I have to make tests every 2-3 months hoping the results get better and it's stressing too.
I am in anger phase now, I don't understand why this happened to me when I was finally ready to move on.
The first week on anti thyroid meds was awful, I had been extremely tired. 
Another aspect that bothers me is that I could get more weight than I already had without knowing about it, even if I had tried different diets, sport,etc. 
At least now I understand why I was so tired, why no diet worked or why I came home crying after work many times.
I try not to stress as much as I can, to eat healthy, to have patience on the long process that I have ahead.
Maybe I will be stronger when this phase ends, but I surely didn't want any of it.



Monday, November 21, 2016

The Young Pope: A True Masterpiece


I've waited a little before writing this post,because I had to see the last 2 episodes of The Young Pope, so I can have the whole image.
As far as I'm concerned this is the best movie/ series of 2016 and I couldn't find any flow yet.
With The Young Pope began my crush for Jude Law and his huge talent.



The new Pope is the youngest American Pope, Lenny Belardo , who was raised by the age of 8 by sister Mary in an orphanage after he had been abandoned by his hippie parents.
This is a theme that will follow him through all the episodes, looking to find them and why he had been abandoned.
As he says, he's a contradiction: drinks Cherry Coke Zero for breakfast, smokes, prays for a woman to get pregnant and she does, doesn't like to be seen in public, loves babies, is cynical and arrogant.
But he's also a conservative and wants to restore the old glory by being mysterious and untouchable.
It is impossible to forget his first speech in front of all St Peter's Square : "What have we forgotten?"...." We have forgotten happiness"


By knowing everything around him he succeeds in maintaining his position. The episode 8 is very powerful and you begin to understand why he's called a saint.
Episode 9 has a beautiful monologue with Lenny staying on a beach and talking about lost and found love.  
"What is more beautiful my love? Love lost or love  found?
Don't laugh at me, my love, I know I'm awkward and naive when it comes to love and I ask questions straight out of the pop songs.
To find or to lose?
In the end, my love, we have no choice, we have to find it".
You can imagine a forbidden love story between Lenny and another woman, but this isn't going to happen, he's way to conservative.
Episode 10 brings Lenny in Venice, addressing the people with a lovely speech, still searching for his parents. The end is quite unexpected and leaves an open door for a second season.

Rome and Vatican are lovely, the architecture, the gardens, the costumes, everything is perfect.
Jude Law made an incredible role, going from a cynical and arrogant pope, to showing his insecurities, his softer side , building this image as a whole. There is no doubt about his great talent or beautiful face :) 
I hope there is going to be a season 2 because it totally got me and I will see these 10 episodes again and again for sure!



Wednesday, November 09, 2016

About Dom Hemingway and my crush Jude Law


I remember seeing Alfie years ago and thought it was a funny movie with a good looking actor. I saw Alfie again last weekend and nothing changed that much....
But the trigger was The Young Pope, the new HBO miniseries where Jude Law is playing an american young non-conformist pope who drink Cherry Zero Coke.
So I wanted to search and see more movies with Jude Law and Dom Hemingway was the lucky one.
I barely recognized Jude Law or his lovely face in this movie, a 2013 British black comedy.
The monologue in the beginning is quite fun and probably the thing you will remember after seeing this movie.
So Dom( Jude Law) is a safe cracker who spent 12 years in prison and now seeks his payment. He's funny, goes from angry to laughing, but always getting his way.
But in spite of all his running after money he wants to be accepted again by his daughter, so a little piece of happiness.
What I liked was another monologue, at his wife's grave, where he becomes human again. That reminded my that I used to know someone who was very unhappy and I could understand better that feeling.
This character is not what you would generally expect from Jude Law, kind of the opposite, but is so well played, that you begin to like it in spite of all the flaws and stupid things he does.
I will write separately about the Young Pope, which is probably the best movie of 2016.